Year after Year

(  PS: This is the last paper of my daybook in 2011, it is a paper of my own, so I do not want to write about the major events of 2011, you can read them in the newspapers and watch them on television: Arab Revolutions, The Death of Bin Laden, The Withdrawal of U.S. fromIraq, etc )

Dec 31, 2011

Downtown, I was dragging my feet, heading toward Phoenix Statue. Reclined on a concrete stone, hardly catching my breath, I heard a familiar song that was rising from somewhere, so I turned back my head.  It was just a mobile ringtone.

The song is still knocking on my head, even now, and a deep sense is sinking me. It was a Swedish song, but the man whose mobile was ringing went away.  The song was fading little by little.  I heard that song for the first time last year, and was the first Swedish song I’ve known – sad and wonderful.

I continued walking downtown. The Swedish song is still knocking in my head, the Swedish man who sent me that song (last year) is still beating in my heart, the city is still knocking in my memory.

I was standing before the Phoenix Statue. The whole of 2011 was dropping behind me. I stared at the stony eyes that stand out among the phoenix features; I felt strange, and wondered: What should I do tonight?  How will I celebrate New Year’s Eve?  Will it be good to buy a new daybook for the days of 2012 that haven’t come yet?

I skimmed through my daybook of 2011; there were blank pages and others had filled with diary entries:

– Was a very bad night: Israeli military aircraft bombed a place close to our house, I woke up terrified, I screamed unconsciously.

– Had tea with a friends.

– Alas, I haven’t able to attend the Conference because of the Israeli siege on Gaza.

– It was the best day ever: Finally, I’ve graduated. LOL!!

– ………..

– I received the parcel from the West Bank.

The whole of 2011 had gone haywire (as my friend, David, said). Many events occurred, including both good and bad things. For me the most beautiful thing that had happened to me was falling in love with a Western man! That unfamiliar kind of love gave me a lot: Peace, Balanced mind, Patience, Courage, A comparison between the East and West life. I have discovered how the Western man thinks about things and how there should be respect between cultural differences.

“I am more wiser than before.”

Last year, I did not say, “Oh, I should have blah and blah”, and I’ve learned that I should only regret the things I didn’t do.

Last year, I cut my hair because it was curly. But in the early beginning of 2012, it will be long again; I will – surely! – let the black Arabic hair grow out over my head (like a big mythical tree!).

Last year, for the first time, a friend said to me in English, “Chin up!”

Last year, I learned that I shouldn’t look for happiness in others, but look for it inside of myself.

I have learned many things, but the most important is: Do not expect anything from others; rely on yourself.

I got close to thePhoenixface demon, kissed it, and then I got lost again in the streets of the city.

I’ve received a message telling me that I’d won the Arab Short Story Prize. I’m feeling great, not only because I won the prize, but also because I will go toSyriaand celebrate the prize with my friends inDamascus.

Although many things have changed since this time last year, I hope that Kawther will NOT change like a city’s features have been changed by the new towers, buildings and people.